Changes and Changes again

Since I come here so seldom, I felt I should write an update and share my current thoughts and feelings.  Most current would of course be the loss of a job, again a layoff as before and again by the same company as the last layoff almost 4 years after a recall to the position lost.  It has now been a long month of looking for opportunities, re-associating myself with myself, and being home, a lot.  The layoff occurred just before the Christmas holidays.  This is the darkest time of the year here, and there was little I found to keep me happy and motivated during that particular time.  I am one who does not go out and find company during a sudden change like this.  The consistent friendly inquiries of what will you do now, what are you plans at such an early time when days before I wasn't even looking to change a thing just make me feel like I am directionless or lazy.  I understand that the inquiries are well meaning, but I would be left with just an empty anxiety so I spent those holidays alone, sharing my news with few especially face to face.  I went to only one small New Years party which even with just a few families, was much too large for what I needed at that time.  As expected, I just ended up in a corner, hoping no one would ask me about myself.  A few weeks of grief at the loss of something I love followed before I could really get myself picked up and going again.

I do feel lucky as I had cleared most debts ahead of time and had resources to keep me from having to make any sudden change to where I live, the most unwelcome circumstance I could imagine during an Alaska winter.  Instead I find myself in a rather enviable position where I have the time to evaluate what it is I want to do and build a foundation towards that goal.  I had not realized, having been doing the same job for 7 years, that I didn't know what else I would want to do given the opportunity.  My situation is enviable enough that I find my relationships are hardest hit with a range of influence running from mild resentments that I have so much free time to complete rejection (this is due to that awful social stigma that somehow someone else is paying for me not to work).  I am collecting unemployment insurance, a process that has not yet even issued its first check, and just pays back up to the amount that I have paid in from my own taxing.  So, the isolation once motivated by me, is slowly moving to outside motivations.  (I have been horrified by the amount of nasty and hateful baggage people carry around to aim at others).

There is nothing easy and fulfilling about being home without work.  I cry multiple times a day, without cause, I wake from anxiety trying to resolve issues I am self creating and cannot solve during the night anyway.  The last time I was laid off, this is what led me to race out and take anything I could get.  I found then that taking 'anything' just ended in me having little time to find something better, and most 'anything' would really lose me my house quicker than waiting it out for something better.  So I just keep plugging away, letting these emotional breaks just run their course.  I do feel there is opportunity just waiting for me once I find it.  I have a positive feeling about where my life is headed, despite those slips of anxiety.

So, since I feel this is starting to sound a little like a pity party, I will close things up.  I am not working and generally at home creating the foundation of a new future.  (I can't believe how the job search has become such a online process instead of the old door to door).  Though I experience my lapses, as I believe all do, workers, non-workers alike, I have an optimistic expectation of the things to come.  My news isn't the best of news, but I am not wallowing as I could.  The sun is returning to brighten my days from prior darkness and I find strength.